#AMonthOnFilm – 8 a.m. bedsheets

19—8 a.m. bedsheets

Where I sleep, where I sometimes lie awake with fear and anxiety, where I rest, where a lot goes on in my mind while sleeping and dreaming and while awake. Even though I often don’t feel safe I am thankful for a place that is safe to rest.

#amonthonfilm is a photo project with prompts hosted by two photographers on Instagram
Photo taken: September 19, 2020

For this project I used: Nikon F100, Kodak Portra 400

film developed & scanned by The Darkroom Lab

#AMonthOnFilm – Early morning

18—Early morning

Opened my eyes at 7:00 a.m., saw this, got out of bed, grabbed my digital and film cameras that I had placed on my nightstand last night, and took this picture and a few others with my digital camera. Mornings are usually extremely challenging for me—filled with lots of anxiety, depression and often somatic and emotional flashbacks—and it takes a lot of effort on my part and usually encouragement and help from my husband to get out of bed each day. It’s a very rough and exhausting way to start each day. I’ve noticed throughout this A Month On Film project that the days I take a picture first thing in the morning it does help in being able to get out of bed. Maybe this is something I need to incorporate into my regular morning routine. I am so thankful for the blessing that through photography I’ve been able to learn a skill that helps me to truly see, appreciate, and absorb my surroundings in a helpful way.

#amonthonfilm is a photo project with prompts hosted by two photographers on Instagram
Photo taken: September 18, 2020

For this project I used: Nikon F100, Kodak Portra 400

film developed & scanned by The Darkroom Lab

#AMonthOnFilm – Moving

17—Moving

Today I thought it would be good for me to do some extra walking in addition to my regular, everyday exercising to help cope and calm. I went outside in the evening and walked our yard and driveway—so here I am walking through the yard. Not sure how this will turn out, it’s always a pretty big mystery with film.

#amonthonfilm is a photo project with prompts hosted by two photographers on Instagram
Photo taken: September 17, 2020

For this project I used: Nikon F100, Kodak Portra 400

film developed & scanned by The Darkroom Lab

#AMonthOnFilm – Inside looking out

16—Inside looking out

Inside looking out

Hiding down in the dark basement

Trapped in the terror of my trauma

Looking through the dirty, broken window

I cannot see clearly

This what I’ve always known

I don’t see what everyone else sees

My vision is tinted by the colors of fear, distrust, danger, terror

Am I crazy?

Am I really here?

Am I safe?

Is this real?

Am I purely weak, faithless, fleshly?

Fading away

I criticize myself

I physically harm myself

I want to die

Will I ever be “normal?”

Slowly learning, growing, changing

These “weaknesses” are in fact God-given gifts

My body’s way of helping me survive the terror of the unspeakable

So I do what I can to rewire my brain

So indescribably difficult

So misunderstood

All the small efforts are huge victories

My view is clouded by the window I look through

God’s Grace meets me there

He comforts me and enables me to grow

As I look through the dirty, broken window

I can see there is beauty and light, even here among the pain and difficulties too great for words

In the middle, without being “cured” or “healed”

#amonthonfilm is a photo project with prompts hosted by two photographers on Instagram
Photo taken: September 16, 2020

For this project I used: Nikon F100, Kodak Portra 400

film developed & scanned by The Darkroom Lab

#AMonthOnFilm – A moment that will not come again

15—A moment that will not come again

Hannah cleaning out the skillet in the sink after the kids used it to make themselves eggs for lunch. There may be similar moments like this in the future but this exact moment will never come again.

#amonthonfilm is a photo project with prompts hosted by two photographers on Instagram
Photo taken: September 15, 2020

For this project I used: Nikon F100, Kodak Portra 400

film developed & scanned by The Darkroom Lab

#AMonthOnFilm – Through

14—Through

Just looking through the broken and bent stalks at an ear of corn growing in the field along the edge of our yard.

#amonthonfilm is a photo project with prompts hosted by two photographers on Instagram
Photo taken: September 14, 2020

For this project I used: Nikon F100, Kodak Portra 400

film developed & scanned by The Darkroom Lab

#AMonthOnFilm – Mess

13—Mess

The empty pizza pan with remains of leftover homemade pizza we enjoyed for lunch and rainbows—a beautiful mess (to me anyway)

#amonthonfilm is a photo project with prompts hosted by two photographers on Instagram
Photo taken: September 13, 2020

For this project I used: Nikon F100, Kodak Portra 400

film developed & scanned by The Darkroom Lab

#AMonthOnFilm – Afternoon shadow & pieces

12—Afternoon shadow

Early afternoon shadow of a plant that was a gift from a friend during a dark time. I’m thankful for a little more sunshine today after several very cloudy days in a row.

12–Pieces

Pieces of a puzzle the kids were working on that also seemed to have some shadows too. I really appreciated the colors of the puzzle pieces and found looking at them to be therapeutic. Thankful I was able to notice this little “kids were here” moment.

#amonthonfilm is a photo project with prompts hosted by two photographers on Instagram
Photo taken: September 12, 2020

For this project I used: Nikon F100, Kodak Portra 400

film developed & scanned by The Darkroom Lab

#AMonthOnFilm – Layers & Blue

11—Layers & Blue

The Body Keeps The Score, my blue pencil for underlining, phone and water sitting next to the bath tub my husband filled with water, Epsom salt and essential oils for me. Some of the steps I’m taking. I’m desperate for help in dealing with the layers of trauma, help in managing the indescribable symptoms and experiencing ongoing healing.

#amonthonfilm is a photo project with prompts hosted by two photographers on Instagram
Photo taken: September 11, 2020

For this project I used: Nikon F100, Kodak Portra 400

film developed & scanned by The Darkroom Lab

#AMonthOnFilm – Alone

10—Alone

Left alone we wither…even with rain all around us

#amonthonfilm is a photo project with prompts hosted by two photographers on Instagram
Photo taken: September 10, 2020

For this project I used: Nikon F100, Kodak Portra 400

film developed & scanned by The Darkroom Lab