16—Inside looking out
Inside looking out
Hiding down in the dark basement
Trapped in the terror of my trauma
Looking through the dirty, broken window
I cannot see clearly
This what I’ve always known
I don’t see what everyone else sees
My vision is tinted by the colors of fear, distrust, danger, terror
Am I crazy?
Am I really here?
Am I safe?
Is this real?
Am I purely weak, faithless, fleshly?
I criticize myself
I physically harm myself
I want to die
Will I ever be “normal?”
Slowly learning, growing, changing
These “weaknesses” are in fact God-given gifts
My body’s way of helping me survive the terror of the unspeakable
So I do what I can to rewire my brain
So indescribably difficult
All the small efforts are huge victories
My view is clouded by the window I look through
God’s Grace meets me there
He comforts me and enables me to grow
As I look through the dirty, broken window
I can see there is beauty and light, even here among the pain and difficulties too great for words
In the middle, without being “cured” or “healed”
#amonthonfilm is a photo project with prompts hosted by two photographers on Instagram
Photo taken: September 16, 2020
film developed & scanned by The Darkroom Lab