#AMonthOnFilm – Inside looking out

16—Inside looking out

Inside looking out

Hiding down in the dark basement

Trapped in the terror of my trauma

Looking through the dirty, broken window

I cannot see clearly

This what I’ve always known

I don’t see what everyone else sees

My vision is tinted by the colors of fear, distrust, danger, terror

Am I crazy?

Am I really here?

Am I safe?

Is this real?

Am I purely weak, faithless, fleshly?

Fading away

I criticize myself

I physically harm myself

I want to die

Will I ever be “normal?”

Slowly learning, growing, changing

These “weaknesses” are in fact God-given gifts

My body’s way of helping me survive the terror of the unspeakable

So I do what I can to rewire my brain

So indescribably difficult

So misunderstood

All the small efforts are huge victories

My view is clouded by the window I look through

God’s Grace meets me there

He comforts me and enables me to grow

As I look through the dirty, broken window

I can see there is beauty and light, even here among the pain and difficulties too great for words

In the middle, without being “cured” or “healed”

#amonthonfilm is a photo project with prompts hosted by two photographers on Instagram
Photo taken: September 16, 2020

For this project I used: Nikon F100, Kodak Portra 400

film developed & scanned by The Darkroom Lab